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Bahaha [Mar. 10th, 2012|11:41 pm]
[Current Location |School in SK]
[mood |enthralledStoked]

Wow, procrastination has reached it's climax. I'm so bored and am procrastinating so badly that I am updating my livejournal at school. Man.
Life is pretty good, otherwise. I'm falling in love, school is informative, and life has more direction than it did before. I think you enjoy life more when there's a boy (or girl) in your life. One that you actually like, and don't end up freaking out about. Things are just good.
I have the munchies real bad. I just ate a whole bag of popcorn, but I just want more! Lol. Wow, in about 6 weeks school will be done. That's just crazy. And 6 weeks til Andy comes home. :) What an exciting day that will be. I'm going to surprise him at the airport, hopefully.
Ugh, I'm being one of those girls who is talking about their boyfriend on livejournal, GROSS! Haha. Really though.
I hope church will be good tomorrow. Either way, I'll be with friends. OH HEY! I HAVE FRIENDS NOW! Haha, Dynel, Michelle, and Laina are my friends. Lol, I'm such a loser. But they are pretty great, and they're absolutely crazy. Two nights ago, GUESS WHAT WE DID! Hahaha... you know Depends? We totally bought some, put them on, drank a bunch of water and peed ourselves. Probably the funniest night of my life. Fricken hilarious.
Anyways, with that thought...
I need a shower.
I think I might go do that.
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All we need is a bit of positivity..... [Dec. 28th, 2011|02:56 am]
[mood |cheerfuledgy]

I've decided to write a positive post for once, lol. I feel like all my posts have been full of cussing and angry, filthy tangents. Time for some refreshing positivity! Hahahaha.
Seriously, why do I swear when I post these things? It's not like I swear in real life. Hm, I guess I just post when I'm angry. Silly jo. Stop doing silly things like that.
Anyways, I'm in a rather good mood.
Saw a relatively disturbing/awesome movie tonight: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. It was good! Suspenseful! And, Disturbing at parts! Kinda made you feel on edge... I felt.. edgy... all the way home. I'm all on edge now. Haha.
Hm, yeah man. I like Andy a lot. I just wish I knew my fate... will I end up with him? Will I end up with Jesse? Will I end up with another man in a few years, or will I remain single? Silly questions really. Do I determine my fate? Partially. Me and God = 50-50. We both determine my fate, I say. I just wish He made %100 of the choices sometimes... but nope, He has given us a will, spirit and mind to figure everything out as He chooses to reveal it to us. Sigh.
Mmph. I'm tired. Still a bit edgy, and I need a shower.
Well, I will do just that. :)
Hopefully this post was more positive than the others! :) <---look, a smiley!
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I feel like im high... [Aug. 18th, 2011|12:43 am]
[mood |pissed offpissed off]
[music |Muncatchy]

Or like I want to do very sad and distressing, even, often disturbing poetry.
.. I've never written poetry. ....actually, the fact that I've never written poetry makes me even more sad, disturbed and distressed than I already am.
I'm listening to this weird ass band called muncatchy off of myspace... used to like smoking hookah to his music, but... it's actually not that good music.... don't go looking him up... unless you want to, i can't stop you.
so..... im kinda... tipsy? I had a bad night.
My effing life's work... (okay, maybe just the last 3 years)... is going down the toilet.....
You know how I love doing youth group? Rant about it all the time? Is my all time passion of all time????
I put my fucking heart and soul into it, all %110 of my life. Didn't go to school so I could dedicate my full time energy to creating a SAFE place for kids to share their depression, their cutting, their deep thoughts on God and to learn about Jesus...
I made the decision to leave the group, and the person who took charge is going to ruin everything......
I can't believe three beers made me decently tipsy..... I guess its because I didn't quite eat today... maybe a bit of rice.... but you know what.... I spent the entire fucking day, and I mean the entire fucking day (i.e. from exactly 10:45am - 5:40pm) thinking about my baby, the Tuesday night bible study, and..... they put someone else in charge, and she's going to fucking ruin it....... by making it (and I quote, many many times) "Intergenerational". Did you know some common FACTS about teenagers.... THEY DON'T TRUST ADULTS. THEY WILL NOT OPEN UP TO YOU UNTIL YOU GAIN THEIR TRUST. And what did I go and do? I spent the last 2 years creating a space where they can open up, a place where their peers won't judge them, a place where they are prayed for and encouraged, and this person is going to come in, and throw some adults into the group, and expect shit to flow. And fucking ruin everything.

The kids will stop coming....

The place is no longer safe, nor comfortable....

The rational, meditative side of me says... Let it go. It's not your fault if they ruin something you have worked so hard for. You left, you are going to Bible college, you let it go. Well... eff you, because I'm doing this for my kids. Holy Shit, I'm doing it for my kids. My youth kids. To learn all I can, to travel 1000 miles to learn this shit for my kids (well, and for me too...) and what will I come back to? A "Intergenerational" bullshit group that doesn't even talk in depth about kids' issues. BULL SHIT.
What am I going to do....
Did I make the wrong choice?
It's done now.
I've given up control.
I've given up my position in leadership.
It's out of my hands.
I didn't know it would be this hard.
This is pride talking.
Holy hell, over the weekend, I knew God was saying... DUDE, TRUST ME... Trust me, Have faith, I'm doing this for a reason, you will see, you will see....
Well what do I see? Something shitty about to happen to my youth group.
I guess that's the issue though. "MY" youth group. I know that its HIS, and my pride is getting in the way of His plans. Well then, FINE, GOD, do what you want to the youth group, they are in YOUR hands now. I've done all that you've told me to do, I'm going to trust that YOU KNOW WHAT THE CRAP YOU ARE DOING with them. I trust you. I trust you.

I wish I trusted Him.
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yeah. [Jun. 1st, 2011|01:13 am]
[mood |exhaustedexhausted]

Bahaha, I like how many people have recently picked up livejournal again.
I come and go with this thing, usually when I need a GOOOOOOOD RAAAANT.

Tired though, should get some sleep.
I hate my job. Maybe I won't go tomorrow. We'll see how I feel when I get up.
I'm just such a terrible liar, I'm much too honest. And then I feel bad for screwing people over by having them work an extra hour... I shouldn't though! Good conscience, go away! ... don't go away, I like you. You keep me as a nice person. There need to be nice people in the world...

Anyways, the weather sucks, we got an NHL team, and I'm hungry.
Time for bed though, really.
Night folks.
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late night random thoughts [May. 14th, 2011|03:26 am]
[mood |happyhappy]

So I smell like a bonfire.
I like Stefan, though... he's a bit blonde for me, a little country... but I like him. He reminds me of me sometimes. Alex's friend. A good man, tall, skinny, good hands, good voice... Things that I really like! :)
We're going to the Nook tomorrow, awesome breakfast.
I just ate an excellent grilled cheese sandwich.
It's 3:18 am.
I should NOT be drinking as much as I am these days. Really, it's not so much, but too much for my taste.
I was going to say something profound, then totally forgot what it was...
I look really good tonight.
That's not so profound, nor the profundity that I was going to say. Haha.
Been reading some good fantasy novels lately. That Narnia is some good stuff!
Here's what I was going to say:
Me and Andrew are going to get together and talk in person about crazy shit.
I emailed him 2 days ago, a very short email just saying... I miss our good times, I miss us, we are so much fun together, isn't that all that matters? And that I'm sick of emailing, our friendship is worth more than that, that he is home now, and why the heck aren't we hanging out.
He emailed back saying, yes, let's meet, talk in person. Maybe at selkirk park.
Why the hell he needs to bring up all this crap is beyond me. All my other friends ignore my beliefs, or just are apathetic/ think I'm crazy silently, and I'm totally fine with that... why he has to bring it up and ruin our friendship is just ridiculous.
I'm glad the emails are over with, because they just made me full of anxiety and intense grief and sadness, tears...
On a positive note! Breakfast with Stefan tomorrow! Yay!
Good night, livejournal.
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(no subject) [Feb. 17th, 2011|11:07 pm]
[mood |irateirate]

I am PISSSSED OFF!!!!!!!
Need to rant, and not on facebook, because my sister is on there, and my mother.
I'm so mad. just so angry.

Me and my family have been fighting since Christmas. They don't understand me, I am the odd ball, the runt... the vegetarian, the hippie, the missionary, the liberal, the socialist.

What is wrong with going to Nepal.
I can live my own life and do what I want.

I'm not stupid, and I'm not an idiot. I'm not "throwing my life away" and my head isn't "in the clouds" and I'm not going for the purpose of "traveling, to leech off of the church's money" FUCK YOU! I'M NOT DOING THOSE THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would never take the church's money for selfish gain. NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER!! Just because it's your money that you donate to the church... the point of donating to the church is for the purpose of supporting missionaries in the world, and YES THAT INCLUDES THEIR SHELTER, FOOD, AND NECESSARY NEEDS IN LIVING IN THAT COUNTRY. Fuck you for thinking I would use the church's money for selfish gain. I would be working FULL TIME there, with a peace organization.

SCREW YOU for thinking that my head is in the clouds, this isn't a random trip, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME. You've always known that I've had a heart for traveling, and a heart to serve the poor in other countries. No, I technically wouldn't be working towards my long term goals of being a project manager, but I sure as hell would learn about what it is to be one. I would be working WITH ONE for goodness sakes, WORKING WITH HIM/HER WOULD SHOW ME WHAT BEING A PROJECT MANAGER ENTAILS!!! Like a FREAKING INTERNSHIP before I even go to school.


I'm gonna have some wine, watch a sad movie. The Kite Runner.

But really, I don't like that my family doesn't understand me, and that I've been fighting with my sister lately. That actually really really really makes me sad. I don't know how to not though, we never used to be from different worlds, but with her marrying andrew, and settling into her domesticated life where they plan for a family, retirement, safety, comfort, luxury, and I - completely single, unattached, wanting a life of travel, serving and loving the poor and others, going where God leads me, and never wanting a house or money, only contentedeness and a meaningful existence.... we've hopped planets and are living on two different worlds now.

I want to tell her I'm sorry, but I don't know what I would be sorry for. I want things to be okay.. she makes me SO ANGRY though. Cutting words result in silence these days. In our teenage years, we HASHED it out, then and there, fighting, swearing, and then all would be okay, no grudges, no bad feelings.

And I'm not stupid or silly or naive or immature for making the decisions I make, because they are rational and well-thought out and are relative and exact to WHO I AM. I'm not cut out for a domestic lifestyle right now. My personality is different than hers.
I think the worst thing that could happen is if she stopped listening to my point of view, which is what I think is happening. She's such a gossip too, her and andrew bash everyone behind their backs, and she is very judgmental. I know for fact that they bash me behind my back, especially now that we had this conversation about Nepal.

Whatever, I'm nearing tears, I just need wine and a sad movie.
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whoa. [Feb. 13th, 2011|01:34 am]
[mood |lethargiclethargic]

i don't think i've posted on here since 2009.
i really enjoy how people still use lj. it makes my world look less lonely.
other people have problems too.
oh life, what am i to do with you?
im tired.
the nectarine i just tried to eat wasn't very good.
im not a good writer. i have no ways with words.
im good at other things though.
hm. i think im just tired.
at least im not stuck in a relationship that stops/hinders me from doing all that i've wanted to do... traveling, only having to take care of myself.
my problems are nothing compared to people that are stuck.
i am quite free.
i like things that are pink.
like the 2 or so glasses of wine i had tonight.
i should sleep, church tomorrow.
maybe ill post again sometime.
i won't wait over a year next time.
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sense make?! [May. 28th, 2009|11:54 pm]
[mood |highhilarious.]
[music |mah!]

moving moving moving, i am moving!
i need a job. i shall get one.. tomorrow! yes!
sexy times, on saturday?? :D indeed!
moving, sunday!

sense make? no?

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Because life is kinda stressful [May. 24th, 2009|12:53 am]
[mood |sadsad]

i hope the person who has stolen my purse will be inspired, and blessed with it. God uses such things, and perhaps they will realize something through their experience. I do hope that they needed it more than me, or that they found something in it useful. If indeed it was a rash move, and there was no good that came out of it for anyone.. well, its out of my hands, and God will do what he sees fit with that situation.

okay. i thought i would organize my life because my purse was just stolen. so i need to write a conclusive list of things to do, as well as bachelorette party madness, moving out madness, and job finding madness.

1: unfortunately miss a party with people i haven't seen in a year (tour guiding people!) tomorrow because i don't have a drivers license, reg, or keys to my vehicle. and im stuck in selkirk.

2: perhaps instead pay laura and michael a visit? perhaps a krista as well? someone come pick me up, i can't drive.

-call work asap, to let them know i can't come in. get to auto pac, get a new drivers license, and registration card. get keys cut for my car, get a new debit card, get a new credit card, get a shoppers optimum card, a new CAA card, new manitoba health card, new SIN card.. and help me out people, what other cards do i need?
-hear back from that chick from Blush about the bachelorette party. If we can't get in because we aren't 21, then i have 5 days to book a place and get vip etc.
-go to my life group in some... vehicle, someway.

-somehow get to winnipeg, work 11-7. go for coffee with justin. see andrew? who comes home that night.

-buy MANY bachelorette related items with borrowed money. ill pay mom back on.. sunday. organize the crap out of this party. oh... start moving? yes. boxes are good.

... aaaand im too lazy to finish this list. this isn't even half of what i need to do. uuuuuugggghhhh... life will be much simpler after next sunday.

isn't life dandy sometimes? im oddly at peace. at least tonight.
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Oh how times have changed... [Apr. 21st, 2009|01:20 am]
[Tags|, , ]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |iron and wine - boy with a coin]

"Wowie! My first entrée!! [Oct. 12th, 2005|09:48 pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]
[ music | Bring me down - Pillar ]

Helloo! Just spent a good 2 hours setting this up. well i finally have one. i got sucked into the livejournal fad. *sigh* oh well. so what to talk about...

It seems like everyone around me is in some kind of depressed type state. Including myself of course. But mine is more of a "i'm hopeless with no real future" i mean, i dont know what im doing, and going to do with my life. It's pretty darn frustrating. I just want to know what im going to do when im older!!! is that too much to ask?!? GAH! Currently, I have no plans. I mean, if I were to be abducted by aliens right now, I wouldn't mind. They're interesting beings you know? and, since i don't have a future why not eh?

Man. I just want to get this choosing a career and college business overwith. Or i won't even do it. i just dont know. crap."

.... well this is just interesting isn't?
WRITTEN PROOF that my life is in the same state as it was 4 years ago!!!!!

1) i've now gotten "sucked into" the facebook fad
2) I still don't know what to do with my life/future
3) I feel gloomy about this from time to time
and 4) If i were abducted by aliens right now, I still wouldn't mind.

I kinda wish i didn't look at my first lj post...
although, it did give me a chuckle. oh teenage angst.
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