||[Feb. 17th, 2011|11:07 pm]
I am PISSSSED OFF!!!!!!!
Need to rant, and not on facebook, because my sister is on there, and my mother.
I'm so mad. just so angry.
What THE HELL IS WRONG WITH GOING TO NEPAL TO HELP MAKE PEACE! WHAT!?!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT.
...NOTHING! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!!
Me and my family have been fighting since Christmas. They don't understand me, I am the odd ball, the runt... the vegetarian, the hippie, the missionary, the liberal, the socialist.
WELL IM GLAD IM ALL THESE THINGS, BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID CONSERVATIVE CONSUMERISTS WHO ARE SELF FOCUSED AND ONLY CONCERNED ABOUT THE WELL-BEING OF YOURSELVES!!!!!!! F everyone.
What is wrong with going to Nepal.
I can live my own life and do what I want.
I'm not stupid, and I'm not an idiot. I'm not "throwing my life away" and my head isn't "in the clouds" and I'm not going for the purpose of "traveling, to leech off of the church's money" FUCK YOU! I'M NOT DOING THOSE THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would never take the church's money for selfish gain. NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER!! Just because it's your money that you donate to the church... the point of donating to the church is for the purpose of supporting missionaries in the world, and YES THAT INCLUDES THEIR SHELTER, FOOD, AND NECESSARY NEEDS IN LIVING IN THAT COUNTRY. Fuck you for thinking I would use the church's money for selfish gain. I would be working FULL TIME there, with a peace organization.
SCREW YOU for thinking that my head is in the clouds, this isn't a random trip, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME. You've always known that I've had a heart for traveling, and a heart to serve the poor in other countries. No, I technically wouldn't be working towards my long term goals of being a project manager, but I sure as hell would learn about what it is to be one. I would be working WITH ONE for goodness sakes, WORKING WITH HIM/HER WOULD SHOW ME WHAT BEING A PROJECT MANAGER ENTAILS!!! Like a FREAKING INTERNSHIP before I even go to school.
I'm gonna have some wine, watch a sad movie. The Kite Runner.
But really, I don't like that my family doesn't understand me, and that I've been fighting with my sister lately. That actually really really really makes me sad. I don't know how to not though, we never used to be from different worlds, but with her marrying andrew, and settling into her domesticated life where they plan for a family, retirement, safety, comfort, luxury, and I - completely single, unattached, wanting a life of travel, serving and loving the poor and others, going where God leads me, and never wanting a house or money, only contentedeness and a meaningful existence.... we've hopped planets and are living on two different worlds now.
I want to tell her I'm sorry, but I don't know what I would be sorry for. I want things to be okay.. she makes me SO ANGRY though. Cutting words result in silence these days. In our teenage years, we HASHED it out, then and there, fighting, swearing, and then all would be okay, no grudges, no bad feelings.
And I'm not stupid or silly or naive or immature for making the decisions I make, because they are rational and well-thought out and are relative and exact to WHO I AM. I'm not cut out for a domestic lifestyle right now. My personality is different than hers.
I think the worst thing that could happen is if she stopped listening to my point of view, which is what I think is happening. She's such a gossip too, her and andrew bash everyone behind their backs, and she is very judgmental. I know for fact that they bash me behind my back, especially now that we had this conversation about Nepal.
Whatever, I'm nearing tears, I just need wine and a sad movie.